On Death

May 20, 2009

Death is a strange thing. I mean obviously it’s not terribly random; our cells are programmed to terminate at some point so we know it’s going to happen… But we never actually think about it happening, do we? It always seems so sudden — Yes I am aware that on occasion it is sudden, but I’m not talking about a car accident or a drive by or something that is not generally considered natural — and yet… it really should not be all that unexpected. People get old, and people die. This is a natural course of life and one you would think we’d be used to by now. But that’s not really how we work is it? We fight to prolong life constantly. Anti-aging cream, Bo-tox, vitamin supplements, artificial organs, heart lung machines… We refuse to accept the inevitable.

But that’s really not what I’m trying to go for here… I apologize, I tend to get side tracked.

What I’m trying to talk about is how we are always surprised by someone’s passing. It’s always a shock, like it never actually crossed our minds they could die, that they wouldn’t be there anymore. When my great grandmother died I felt… well a mix of a lot of things really. There was a lot of anger at my Mother who did not tell me my great grandmother was in the hospital, and maybe I’d like to say my last good-byes as her condition had been deteriorating rapidly. I wasn’t asked to help spread her ashes, nor was I ever really invited to the funeral. I found out by accident and confronted them. Amazing how that goes :P.

And now I put my anger aside.

For the past several years my Great Grandmother had not been in a good way. Despite being Jehova’s witness she never failed to send me $50 on my Birthday, and $50 at Christmas. NEVER. And still hadn’t forgotten to mail her cheques right up until she passed… however Birthday money had started to come three or four times a year (no, I didn’t cash the cheques) and she had forgotten my name almost completely. When I talked to her some times there was just this vague understanding that she knew who I was. I saw her at my cousin’s wedding — A good day for her praise the Lord — and while she looked beautiful in her white dress and her pearl necklace… I could see she was getting frail… But it never once crossed my mind that she’d die.

I mean, I knew she was getting older, I knew her diabetes was going to shorten her life and that her passing would probably be soon… I knew the players, I knew what was coming but it never crossed my mind it would happen.

I found out today that a friend, a mentor, and my first customer as a self employed business person passed away about a month ago. The last I had heard from him and his wife, they were in Mexico, enjoying their snowbird home and finally managing to get a real honest to goodness Internet connection set up. Also the cell phone company ripped them off again, could I help them sort that out?

They were — are — both amazing people. They were instrumental in getting my business off the ground through the encouragement they offered and the advice they gave. I was relatively shocked to receive the phone call this morning from his wife because I was under the impression they wouldn’t be back until late June early July. The news was jolting. She didn’t want to go into details over the phone, and even if she had I’m not sure if I’d feel terribly comfortable discussing what happened here. That’s not to say I don’t love and adore all 12 of my anonymous IP addresses, but there are some things I think it better not to discuss.

What I will ask is that you pray for his wife who survives him, and their newly engaged son. Pray that God would send down angels and have a hand on them during this time. For now I offer my own.

May God send a fleet of Angels on gilded wings to see you home safely.

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Being Broke Sucks

April 7, 2009

So I tried to change my blog layout today only to discover that my subscription to the layout… thing expired and I’m not really in a position to renew. WordPress has many advantages and is really a great blogging tool with it’s easy to use interface, large web storage for media on the site… but it does have a semi major flaw in that I cannot actually edit the website unless I pay. However, if I pay to edit the website I actually can’t change the main components, just the RSS (colours of links, colours of the background, text size, etc.).

That was something I really enjoyed with my prior blog actually and I’m relatively perturbed that I can’t do it here. It was a great creative outlet for me. Being a programmer by trade I just really enjoyed the opportunity to put my skills to use, and when I have opportunities to integrate design with function… well that’s a big old Nerd-gasm for me.

Anyways, back to being broke.

I’m not entirely broke. Looks like I’ll have enough money to make bills this month, it’s just that I don’t have a lot of breathing room on that accord. Business has been picking up steadily but what I need to do is take some money and put some advertising in the paper… just… can’t afford to do that right now. It’s a conundrum to say the least. I’m not a particular fan of being broke (or close to it) as I am generous in nature, or so most people would note of me. And in all honesty, after spending most of last year in financial crisis, it was starting to feel good to be doing more than just treading water.

Guess that’s not God’s plan though.

That’s actually been a bit of a struggle for me. I think I’m just a little warn down from last year and the year before– Buying the van a month before losing my high paying tech job, being kicked out of my home, again, struggling to get my schooling done and to make enough money to pay my bills– when I got the job at the pizza place things started to look up. I kind of figured I’d be okay… but in all honesty I got comfortable. The thought had grazed the surface of consciousness once or twice, “Where is this all going?”, and then God came down and forced me to make a decision.

It does suck being broke, and it’s scary as all hell… But I’m ready. I’m ready to struggle, I’m ready to do this thing and to ride it out to the end.

I’m ready.

The Long Hard Road

April 2, 2009

So I got fired from my job recently. A less than thrilling ordeal that mostly involved being stabbed in the back. A couple months ago I tried to host a staff meeting so that way we could come up with ideas that might help turn the business around. Now the reason I was trying to host this staff meeting was the owner and manager (owner’s son) had no interest whatsoever in hosting a staff meeting; they simply didn’t want to pay for it. Fine.

At the end of the day I wasn’t sure if I should invite management, and then was advised by one of the assistant managers that it might mean more to the owner if it just came from staff. The staff initially sounded really stoked about the idea, but within a few days voices of decent arose; people were coming up with premptive excuses not to go, blah blah blah… So I called it off.

Well somehow the manager found out, and decided that I needed to be fired. Somebody squawked and he managed to find enough people to go along with him, ignoring other voices of decent. It happens.

So now I’m unemployed. I’m looking for work but of course the economy mostly dictates I’m not going to find it, or if I do it won’t likely have the hours I’ll need. So I’m relying mostly on my home business to see me through at this point. Not sure how that’s going to go, but there it is.

I’ve had to rely on faith a lot lately, which is a lot harder for me in desperate times than it is in good time oddly enough. It’s scary. I am scared. I don’t know what’s going to come of this, and I have no expectations. Just prayer. That’s all I have right now.

Of course, I know now that’s all I need. I was in Calgary the last few days and I got to see my sister, which was so great. On my way to her house I really screwed up my knee and it hurt like a son of a gun. I nearly fell two more times so I started praying that God would help me stay on my feet, and keep me safe. And God left me with a feeling of safety. There was this rush, an overwhelming feeling of safety, of something that was saying “I’m not going to let you fall. I will always be here. Wait on me.” and it was…. I needed it. I really needed it.

When I got home I was having trouble sleeping, as always, so I watched some TV and for the first time I really listened to that Honey Nut Cheerios commercial featuring “I Try” a Macy Grey cover by Ben Taylor. I downloaded the song and I’ve been listening to it almost non stop. I don’t know why, this has resonated with my relationship with God. I’ve felt closer, and it’s just reminded me more and more that God is by my side, and he has not, nor will he ever leave…

It feels good.

Anyway, not much else to say right now so I’m going to leave it as is.

I’ll catch you later.

Ultra Gay, with Bleach!

November 20, 2008

The title of this post comes from the party I had hear the other weekend. Sarah asked for an ‘h’ on the end of her name, so to annoy me so did other people. So when Jon asked I changed his name to “Ultra Gay”. It’s like tide, only there is more sperm involved and you’re left smelling like a summer breeze. And some bowel problems.

Among other things.

I realize it’s been a while and I don’t have an excuse. Kept saying “I should write something” and then never got around to doing it. My computer dying hasn’t helped that situation out much either I suppose.

That having been said I have two pretty exciting pieces of news. 1) I have purchased a new computer (the first in 6 years) and it was supposed to arrive today. Dell Customer service guys can suck my schlong. 2) I have started my own business.

gb_businesscardhidden

You know what would suck? If some random stalker got my phone number from that……. there, now it’s blacked out. And no, my business card does not really say “OSTBear” on it. I’m a goof, not retarded.

I got tired of my previous employer ripping people off left right and center, got tired of computer stores treating customers like idiots, got tired of hearing people charged $50 just to be told the printer is broken. God has been puting this on my heart for a while. And I told him if he wanted me to, he just had to let me know. And he knows how angry I get when someone takes advantage of someone else… so I started on the path.

It’s scary, and awesome all rolled into one big ball.

A Green Ball. hehehe.

What, they can’t all be Ultra Gay :P.

There is one unfortunate hitch that I’ve run into, and that is my land lady is not paying her taxes. She pitched a fit about me starting my own business saying I couldn’t apply for the license because then the government might figure out she has people living here. Major problem.

Of course it doesn’t help we’re constantly butting heads over her Marijuana problem. Thankfully, all of her getting stoned has left her retarded and she’s not smart enough to realize she can just kick me out. Well… she can’t really. If she does without cause I’m pretty sure the RCMP would appreciate photos of her habbit, and the government would appreciate documentation of the people taking up residence here.

For those of you who don’t know me well enough, I’ll tell you something about me. NEVER go to war with me. EVER. I fight tooth and nail and even if I lose you won’t feel at all like you’ve won.

But hopefully I can get something soon. I NEED to get something soon. I need to get an add in the paper and start up my business, get the (green)ball rolling asap.

Anyways, I have to write something in Vana’Diel Tales as well so I’m going to head’er.

/Beware the Bear.

PS: For anyone who’s a Nickleback fan, check out their new CD. AWESOME SAUCE.

I’m Dying

September 24, 2008

Well not REALLY dying, but I have some flu they’ve given a name to that causes me to go partially blind when I vommit really hard. I went to the Doc yesterday, they gave me some pills, I slept for 9 hours. when I woke up I was drenched head to toe in my own sweat. Normally I wouldn’t complain about 9 hours sleep except I didn’t know I was going to sleep for 9 hours, I was only supposed to be there for about 45 minutes. Tremendous pain in the ASS.

Anyways. Still feel like crap today, but the shop might explode if I’m not here, or potentially people will break down the door screaming they want their computers right now. When it comes to computers, people do not understand that this stuff takes TIME. This crap doesn’t happen over night. No we can’t give you an accurate estimate as to how long it will take. Yes we will try to get it done as soon as possible. No we can’t bump your computer ahead of everyone elses. No I can’t help that you’re in a poker tournament on Friday.

<sigh>

House Warming on Friday. Here’s hoping I’m verticle for it 😛

OH HEY! My Landlord bagged an Elk last night! It’s her first ever elk so she was pretty excited. I’m going to have to brush up on my wild meat cooking apparently. That having been said I have no idea where she’s puting all this meat. As best as I’ve been made aware all we have is the tiny little fridge freezer. Maybe she’s got a cellar.

Or maybe she knows something we don’t know.

I think it is my Wireless card. I can’t say for certain at this point, but now that I’ve removed the thing my computer is suddenly very lively. Where as two hours ago I was afraid it might turn into another Hell Gate, much like Joel’s Hell Gate. That’s the nick name I gave his laptop.

It was a gate.

To Hell.

I’m pretty much moved into my new place (read: Half my shit still isn’t unpacked) and I have to say I’m pretty stoked to be in a place that is really my own. I’m grateful to the family that gave me a place to stay, God put them in my path not just to give me a roof over my head, but I’m glad to be somewhere paying rent and making home. To christen the place I bought a new book shelf, a new computer/work desk, and a dresser from the Sally Anne all for $100. I’m probably going to buy myself a decent office chair too, but that depends on how much money I make delivering pizzas tomorrow. And yes I am saving up for school, but I do kind of need this stuff.

I won’t lie, I’m probably going to splurge a bit on the chair though.

I will get you guys some pictures, but I need to re-install all of my photo software and I actually need to find the USB cable for my camera.

I also need to unpack, and this takes presidence over pretty well everything.

I start my new job on Monday, pretty stoked I gotta tell yah. Even more so since my managers at Wal-Mart begged me to stay, which lets me know that I really do have a pretty solid work ethic. I’m pretty proud of that.

For those among you that would lift a word up in prayer, please remember Chipmunk as she is starting to adjust to University life. It sounds like she’s enjoying herself, but a little extra help couldn’t hurt.

Big prayers to my Brother as he begins his new life with his new wife in his house on 3rd and trife…

Don’t worry, I’m dissapointed in myself.

Beware the Bear.

On Life and Consequences

August 25, 2008

… It has been a really long time since I have posted, and as best as I can figure there’s a lot of stuff you’ve missed.

Firstly, and this is in no particular order, Chipmunk and I are no longer dating. There are lots of reasons why, but most of them are personal and I’m really not wanting to get into them here; My life is an open book to you, but when it involves other people… well…. It’s not very fair to them is it?

I suppose actually that’s a bit hypocritical isn’t it? I’ve complained about other people on here… meh. It’s my Blog, and I don’t feel like going over it here. That’s the magic of being a writer, no one can make you write what you don’t want to.

Unless you’re Stephanie Meyer…[Insert retarded romance bit here]

I will say that the relationship ended about as amicably as it possibly could have, and I was the one who broke it off. I don’t regret the decission, I maintain it was the right thing to do, but I do regret that that’s what it had to come to. For all my ability as a futurist, I didn’t see this part coming.

My Brother got married. It was incredible. Him and Caos are so happy and I can’t express how happy I am for them. The wedding had it’s glitches, but the sheer magnitude of love everyone expressed throughout the cerimony and reception shadowed all of it (You’re right Bro, I really do have the best laugh). I got fairly close with Caos’ family as well while I was up for the wedding, turns out her younger brother’s a big photography nut, and her other brother shares my sense of humor along with the cousins (All Aboard the Fail Boat!).

Gaming has kind of fallen off. With a couple of us entering into a full time school schedule, one person leaving for school elsewhere, and another guy that nobody fucking likes… well we’re kind of tied for time. It was good though. I’ve made some really great friends and managed to get two jobs because of the people I’ve met. I pray that God keeps them in my path and that I might mean as much to them as they do to me.

Through random happenstance I discovered that I have become a leader, and that my Brother supports this and has no quams with moving asside for me to do my thing. At his Bachelor party / yearly camp out our next door neighbor campsite had some problems with a sevearly angry/drunk person. I wasn’t heroic or anything, no jumping into a fight, but I did jump in to handle the situation. I’ve never felt God’s presence in me like I felt it then. Got to lead me my Beyonders, and damn was that exciting.

I’m writing again, a full novel now. Of course I still haven’t written what comes before the novel… which… is bad. Well maybe not bad but it’s not good either. Ideas move through my head so quickly that if I don’t find time to get them written down my brain immediately jumps to the next thing… It happens.

I’ve also decided that I am in fact going to take a vacation this year. Two of them in fact. The first to see my Sisters in Calgary and Lethbridge so I can have some time with them (since they both came down here and tried to make time for me). The second will be to see my Brother and his wife on the coast. He needs him a visiting.

And lastly, I discovered I have a saved post regarding time travel. Gotta remember to finish that and post it. Looks pretty fun.

Well that’s it for me, I’ll see yah when I see yah

/Beware the Bear

I’m Alive

May 4, 2008

Did anybody see Pearl Harbour? Say what you want about Ben Afleck, but that was an amazing movie and I think he was a fantastic Dare Devil. On a further note, I love that part where Ben Afleck writes to his woman and it opens with “This is the first I could get out word… I’m alive.”

Anyways. I’ve been busy as you might have guessed. Exams and final projects and work and a few hours for sleep here and there. That having been said I also kind of forgot I had a blog really, just being busy doing stuff. So as an update…

I’ve joined WCHL hockey (http://www.wchlhockey.com) as the General Manager of the Florida Panthers. I’m hoping to have a webpage up and running for my team, and when I get around to it I’ll let you know.

My Girlfriend and I had our 1 year anniversary on March 26th. It was getting rocky for a while there, admittedly, but we’ve made it, and now that exams are over we’re working on strengthening what have. And now she is reminding me that I need to give one of her teddy bears a story. And I’m also told I’m not allowed to write it here.

I’ve thrown myself into another writing project (like I don’t already have enough of them on the go) and I might have some stuff to say about that soon.

For now though, I’ll leave you with this and then go on my way. Have a good one!

God Throws Sliders

January 18, 2008

It’s days like this when I realize that God does in fact play baseball and he has no problem with messing with your head. A slider is the most annoying throw in baseball, the reason being is that it has a habbit of ‘wiggling’. It goes a little right then goes left, and it rarely ever dips. And when it’s thrown, it looks just like a curve so the batter (assuming it’s a lefty VS righty or righty VS lefty) will take his swing. Then he gets screwed when he realizes a mite too late that it’s not going to dip to give him that ultimate home run, it’s going to screw his batting average for the night. God does this constantly.

It’s weird to have the guy who plays for you play ‘against’ you.

Student loans denied my application for funding. They feel my van is an $8000 asset that I should be able to get rid of immediately and thusly afford school and shelter and food… They are a heartless husk where good people once were. I guess it makes sense. People abusing the system and so on… I mean if I lived somewhere like Calgary, sure I could sell that van no problem… But this is a small town… I don’t know whether or not they get that or don’t care but… either way this is my situation.

I’m going to try and get to the bank soon enough to see if I can refinance the thing at an attrocious interest rate that will have me paying for it for another 5 or 6 years… but at an affordable rate :P.

We’ll see.

I discovered I work with a Christian lady. She is wonderful and will be praying for me. Please coninue to pray for Brandi’s Sister. She could use it.

– Beware the Bear.

It Happens

January 15, 2008

An update. shocking, I know.

Hopefully I’ll be getting into the full swing of this as time goes on. It’d be nice anyway. We’ll see.

… You know you’re a crappy blogger when you can’t remember what was in your last bloody post.

Okay, I’ve read my last couple posts so now I know where we left off. I have a place to stay now that isn’t my Girlfriend’s house. I am being housed by a couple of amazing people, and this again is a little showing of how God works. I never really knew this couple before. A few one time encounters and a hello when I had seen them at Church, but beyond that not much. Then the husband (We’ll call him “Chief Red”) and I teamed up for a conference we were both speaking at to organize some stuff for the kids at the conference. While this may only have lead to a friendship upgraded slightly from acquaintance; I got to know Chief Red, he got to know me and a seed was planted.

When things took a turn for the worst I asked Chief Red if I could perhaps rent a room. It was kind of out of my means, and I was ready to pass when Chief Red offered the room to me for whatever I could afford until I got back on my feet.

I owe big thanks to Chief Red.

..
.
Chiefly because he’s a nice guy! (Little pun there for Cucumber… not that he reads this thing).

So… outside of that… things are progressing nicely. The boat is still sailing and I’ve got a little more control over the steering (though I am trying to give that over to God) and less and less communication with Family V1.0. Family V2.3 has been mucho helpful and supportive and they continue to bring a smile to my face when I think about how kind and generous they’ve been to me.

But now, I think, it is time for me to move onto the portion of our show where I talk about what’s going on.

My job has mad a position for me in my department so I can get more hours in the week without incessant begging. I’m sure Auntie Tammy grew tired of her retarded nephew (One day at work I asked Tammy to rearrange one of my shifts for me and she did so to the eternal annoyance of Barry who couldn’t get her to do anything for him (mostly because he was notoriously lazy when I wasn’t around). He figured the reason for this was simple “You’re like the retarded nephew she never wanted”. I told this to ‘Auntie’ Tammy; she thought this was hilarious and readily agreed) whining all the time so I imagine that played into this whole thing.

That and I work bloody hard. Always favour the guy who busts his ass for you… this will pay off in the long run.

Class is going well save for our programming class which is off to a slow start because they ordered the wrong textbooks and installed the wrong program for us.

But such as life. That’s right. As. I don’t care if you think it should be is.

OH! I almost forgot! I saw an old friend of mine last night at work and I heard some sad news. Her sister has a brain tumor, and all attempts up to now to remove it surgically have met with failure. She’s getting ready for Chemotherapy but they family isn’t terribly confident that things will turn out for the better. For those of you that pray, if you could pray about this that would be great.

-I’m Still Standing

PS: I still want a Hot Dog.