That time of year

October 2, 2008

There is something truly surreal about this birthday – for lack of a better phrase – season for me. Normally I have this build up of excitement, of anticipation. See birthdays are perfect excuses for me to drag people out of their homes to go have some fun with me. I use it as a social tool because people feel obligated when it’s somebody’s birthday. It’s true. Think about it, how many times have you ignored someone because you don’t like hanging out with them that much? But when it’s their birthday you are obligated to go or you’ll forever be that douche bag that didn’t go to Phil’s birthday party… douche bag.
But for me, this year… I just don’t know. With large and rather drastic problems still looming in my family between my mother and I, I’m not sure I could get excited about it without feeling guilty. Last year had no major party, my ex-girlfriend’s family kind of surprised me with one, and I had a dinner with her. I did have a birthday dinner with my family, but that went to shit for a large variety of reasons.
I’ve normally had my brother around to get my excited about my birthday (that having been said last year he was late phoning me by a week) but now… meh. I want to. I want to use my birthday as an excuse to go out and do something crazy, but I just can’t seem to work it up. In fact, I’m kind of at a point where I’d like my birthday to go largely un-remarked. These are probably feelings of guilt left over from the happenings between myself and my parents during our last go around. I was made to feel extremely guilty for having a family that loved me and that I called family in return. Made to feel guilty for a lot of stuff actually, a lot of things that I didn’t really have control over, and I think my mother’s winning this round.

Scratch that. No way that bitch takes me out of the game. Let’s celebrate us a Birthday.

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On Life and Consequences

August 25, 2008

… It has been a really long time since I have posted, and as best as I can figure there’s a lot of stuff you’ve missed.

Firstly, and this is in no particular order, Chipmunk and I are no longer dating. There are lots of reasons why, but most of them are personal and I’m really not wanting to get into them here; My life is an open book to you, but when it involves other people… well…. It’s not very fair to them is it?

I suppose actually that’s a bit hypocritical isn’t it? I’ve complained about other people on here… meh. It’s my Blog, and I don’t feel like going over it here. That’s the magic of being a writer, no one can make you write what you don’t want to.

Unless you’re Stephanie Meyer…[Insert retarded romance bit here]

I will say that the relationship ended about as amicably as it possibly could have, and I was the one who broke it off. I don’t regret the decission, I maintain it was the right thing to do, but I do regret that that’s what it had to come to. For all my ability as a futurist, I didn’t see this part coming.

My Brother got married. It was incredible. Him and Caos are so happy and I can’t express how happy I am for them. The wedding had it’s glitches, but the sheer magnitude of love everyone expressed throughout the cerimony and reception shadowed all of it (You’re right Bro, I really do have the best laugh). I got fairly close with Caos’ family as well while I was up for the wedding, turns out her younger brother’s a big photography nut, and her other brother shares my sense of humor along with the cousins (All Aboard the Fail Boat!).

Gaming has kind of fallen off. With a couple of us entering into a full time school schedule, one person leaving for school elsewhere, and another guy that nobody fucking likes… well we’re kind of tied for time. It was good though. I’ve made some really great friends and managed to get two jobs because of the people I’ve met. I pray that God keeps them in my path and that I might mean as much to them as they do to me.

Through random happenstance I discovered that I have become a leader, and that my Brother supports this and has no quams with moving asside for me to do my thing. At his Bachelor party / yearly camp out our next door neighbor campsite had some problems with a sevearly angry/drunk person. I wasn’t heroic or anything, no jumping into a fight, but I did jump in to handle the situation. I’ve never felt God’s presence in me like I felt it then. Got to lead me my Beyonders, and damn was that exciting.

I’m writing again, a full novel now. Of course I still haven’t written what comes before the novel… which… is bad. Well maybe not bad but it’s not good either. Ideas move through my head so quickly that if I don’t find time to get them written down my brain immediately jumps to the next thing… It happens.

I’ve also decided that I am in fact going to take a vacation this year. Two of them in fact. The first to see my Sisters in Calgary and Lethbridge so I can have some time with them (since they both came down here and tried to make time for me). The second will be to see my Brother and his wife on the coast. He needs him a visiting.

And lastly, I discovered I have a saved post regarding time travel. Gotta remember to finish that and post it. Looks pretty fun.

Well that’s it for me, I’ll see yah when I see yah

/Beware the Bear

Openning my Big Mouth

February 8, 2008

There will still be a site update… There will be updating… but I’ve run into a very unfortunate problem.

WordPress won’t let me edit the HTML, just the style sheet…. so let me put that in lam-ens terms…. I can’t build my own house, I can only paint one that already exists.

This isn’t a completely horrible fate, nothing I can’t recover from, just not what I was hoping for. That having  been said I really have no desire to remove myself from WordPress, I don’t think I have any earthly desire to go back to having to reference images from photodump. I want to manage it all from one place like a real boy.

Apparently I can get the thing hosted on another server which will allow me to change the HTML, but that’s extra money I don’t frankly want to spend right now. Maybe down the road, but not right now. That having been said, if this lady is serious about buying my van then I will have no reservations about buying a small server space. So… who knows.

Okay…. now for the real thing.

Things are going fairly well. My Girlfriend and I are learning things about eachother as evidenced by this somewhat rocky week this week, but that satisfies me. If everything was going well, I’d be relatively nervouse. See that’s the thing about relationships people don’t understand; If everything is working out for you two, and you’re not entering into any conflicts, you are going to be royally screwed when you do.

I learned how to bake the peanut butter chocolate awesomeness from my Girlfriend’s mom. It is made entirely out of awesome sauce.

I still haven’t gotten around to actually starting to write for Bear. Well that’s not true, I’ve started, but I keep losing my drafts as I’ve begun writing them by hand. Doing this prevents many standard crap ass errors and gives me a chance to make sure everything flows instead of just letting my mind wander… of course as a down side I keep losing the damn paper. I’m pretty excited though, I’ve got plenty of ideas. I’ve never wrote a single story from two different time frames (Story 1 = x – 7 ; Story 2 = x + 7) so this will be a huge challenge in continuity which is exactly what I need. I fail epically at continuity… epic fail.

Did I mention that my Son is starting grade school?

/Beware the Bear

It Happens

January 15, 2008

An update. shocking, I know.

Hopefully I’ll be getting into the full swing of this as time goes on. It’d be nice anyway. We’ll see.

… You know you’re a crappy blogger when you can’t remember what was in your last bloody post.

Okay, I’ve read my last couple posts so now I know where we left off. I have a place to stay now that isn’t my Girlfriend’s house. I am being housed by a couple of amazing people, and this again is a little showing of how God works. I never really knew this couple before. A few one time encounters and a hello when I had seen them at Church, but beyond that not much. Then the husband (We’ll call him “Chief Red”) and I teamed up for a conference we were both speaking at to organize some stuff for the kids at the conference. While this may only have lead to a friendship upgraded slightly from acquaintance; I got to know Chief Red, he got to know me and a seed was planted.

When things took a turn for the worst I asked Chief Red if I could perhaps rent a room. It was kind of out of my means, and I was ready to pass when Chief Red offered the room to me for whatever I could afford until I got back on my feet.

I owe big thanks to Chief Red.

..
.
Chiefly because he’s a nice guy! (Little pun there for Cucumber… not that he reads this thing).

So… outside of that… things are progressing nicely. The boat is still sailing and I’ve got a little more control over the steering (though I am trying to give that over to God) and less and less communication with Family V1.0. Family V2.3 has been mucho helpful and supportive and they continue to bring a smile to my face when I think about how kind and generous they’ve been to me.

But now, I think, it is time for me to move onto the portion of our show where I talk about what’s going on.

My job has mad a position for me in my department so I can get more hours in the week without incessant begging. I’m sure Auntie Tammy grew tired of her retarded nephew (One day at work I asked Tammy to rearrange one of my shifts for me and she did so to the eternal annoyance of Barry who couldn’t get her to do anything for him (mostly because he was notoriously lazy when I wasn’t around). He figured the reason for this was simple “You’re like the retarded nephew she never wanted”. I told this to ‘Auntie’ Tammy; she thought this was hilarious and readily agreed) whining all the time so I imagine that played into this whole thing.

That and I work bloody hard. Always favour the guy who busts his ass for you… this will pay off in the long run.

Class is going well save for our programming class which is off to a slow start because they ordered the wrong textbooks and installed the wrong program for us.

But such as life. That’s right. As. I don’t care if you think it should be is.

OH! I almost forgot! I saw an old friend of mine last night at work and I heard some sad news. Her sister has a brain tumor, and all attempts up to now to remove it surgically have met with failure. She’s getting ready for Chemotherapy but they family isn’t terribly confident that things will turn out for the better. For those of you that pray, if you could pray about this that would be great.

-I’m Still Standing

PS: I still want a Hot Dog.

Ohana

January 2, 2008

Life is kind of funny. It’s amazing how little things fall together so nicely in just such a fashion that you go ‘woah’. Buying a Sleeping Bag rated for -15 weather for camping in the summertime was really stupid at the time… but then I became homeless. This is an example of course, because I haven’t become homeless. Instead quite an amazing thing has happened to me.

I have found a Family. My Girlfriend, who I cannot express enough love for (I love you!), talked to her parents some time before this whole thing became what it is and they decided that should I ever be removed from the house they would take care of me… And they have. I’ve had several meals, good people to unload on, and a sense of Ohana that I’ve never had before. Ever. I’ve never had the absolute knowledge that the roof I slept under was one that would in fact shelter me, and would not be pulled out from under my feet. I’ve never known for certain that the two people sleeping down the hall cared a great deal about me and would concern themselves with everything that’s happening, but also respect my opinion and my decision no matter what. I’ve never felt like it would be inconceivable to leave me behind, that I was not an inconvenience.

This past week or so has been… Incredible, but this word fails to describe just how amazing things have been. I will never, in all my years of living and writing and telling stories, be able to express in words what this has meant to me.

I love you guys, thanks… And for now that will have to do.

I don’t hate my family (Version 1.0), but I am done with that part of my life. They are not truly interested in being involved with me and probably never were. It’s not healthy for me to be there and it is time for me to go. Things probably won’t get much better, talking with my Girlfriend’s dad (a very wise and brilliant accountant) has brought me understanding of that (which is wonderful because all I had for that was a feeling of sadness) and with that understanding acceptance… And with that acceptance strength.

I’ve known all along that there are those who would stand by me, those who cared and loved me for exactly who I am and nothing more, but… Not so much that I allowed myself the strength they were offering. Being here has made me realize it’s not enough to offer a brother the help he needs to move his boulder up the hill. Some times you have to ask a brother to help you move your own. I’m learning this.

Albeit slowly but hey, what’ya want from me?

I know what I want from me. A hot dog. With Ketchup and Mustard and Relish…. ooooooh baby.

I’ve done what I can to adjust the sails, and I’ve found it much easier to do so with other people on the boat (and how much easier it is when you don’t have to twist their arms to get on the thing). I’m headed for uncharted waters though. There could be chop, or white caps, or rainbow trout… I really don’t know…

But I’m excited.

P.S. The Boat’s name is Laredo.

The Road Long and Winding

October 26, 2007

It’s been…. it’s been a month.

 I’ve moved back home, and those of you who know anything about me know that this is not something that has me extatic. I wanted to mend things with my family, but I was hoping desperately to avoid this particular measure. But things being as they were, it was either that or go homeless. Friends were all moving away, job security was reducing itself… things were going South. I couldn’t imagine the trouble I would have been in if I had lost my job and was still living on my own.

That having been said, I want to make it clear that I had no intention of using my family as a life boat… That there existed in me a glimmer of hope that I might be able to mend things with my family, and that there would be love there… We can’t always get what we want.

I’ll tell you what my biggest mistake was. Years ago, when I moved out, I thought for some reason by moving out I would get a different perspective on life, that I would attain some knowledge on how the world works and would be able to better understand the viewpoints of my parents. Moving out didn’t serve this… In fact it did just the opposite.

I’m pretty sure everyones’ parents at some point or another said something to the effect of “if things are so much better out there than here, just go!” The statement is meant to be ironic, things are supposed to be harder on the outside and you grow to appreciate home blah blah blah…. The outside world is generaly fair and just and I miss it more than I miss most anything.

Reading this now, I realize there’s almost no structure. I’m doing a bad job of conveying my problem. My problem is this: I do not believe that anyone, be they an elder, a brother, a sister, a friend, a stranger, a leader, or a parent has the right to be rude or disrespectful to someone and then demand respect in return. I don’t believe anyone should be allowed to point out the flaws and errors of others, without openning themselves to the same scruitiny.

This is not the view of my parents, most especially my Mother…. This does not suit me and it never will. I will raise my children differently, and I will not regreat the decission…..

<sigh> again I’m doing a bad job… Things aren’t lining up for me…. I think I write better when I’m experiencing an emotion… Right now, all feelings are kind of passive… Everything is in retrospect…. I have it all planned and the loss of my family will no longer bring sadness to me.

As soon as I am able I’m leaving them for forever… And this will be the wisest decission I will ever make.