Being Broke Sucks

So I tried to change my blog layout today only to discover that my subscription to the layout… thing expired and I’m not really in a position to renew. WordPress has many advantages and is really a great blogging tool with it’s easy to use interface, large web storage for media on the site… but it does have a semi major flaw in that I cannot actually edit the website unless I pay. However, if I pay to edit the website I actually can’t change the main components, just the RSS (colours of links, colours of the background, text size, etc.).

That was something I really enjoyed with my prior blog actually and I’m relatively perturbed that I can’t do it here. It was a great creative outlet for me. Being a programmer by trade I just really enjoyed the opportunity to put my skills to use, and when I have opportunities to integrate design with function… well that’s a big old Nerd-gasm for me.

Anyways, back to being broke.

I’m not entirely broke. Looks like I’ll have enough money to make bills this month, it’s just that I don’t have a lot of breathing room on that accord. Business has been picking up steadily but what I need to do is take some money and put some advertising in the paper… just… can’t afford to do that right now. It’s a conundrum to say the least. I’m not a particular fan of being broke (or close to it) as I am generous in nature, or so most people would note of me. And in all honesty, after spending most of last year in financial crisis, it was starting to feel good to be doing more than just treading water.

Guess that’s not God’s plan though.

That’s actually been a bit of a struggle for me. I think I’m just a little warn down from last year and the year before– Buying the van a month before losing my high paying tech job, being kicked out of my home, again, struggling to get my schooling done and to make enough money to pay my bills– when I got the job at the pizza place things started to look up. I kind of figured I’d be okay… but in all honesty I got comfortable. The thought had grazed the surface of consciousness once or twice, “Where is this all going?”, and then God came down and forced me to make a decision.

It does suck being broke, and it’s scary as all hell… But I’m ready. I’m ready to struggle, I’m ready to do this thing and to ride it out to the end.

I’m ready.

The Long Hard Road

So I got fired from my job recently. A less than thrilling ordeal that mostly involved being stabbed in the back. A couple months ago I tried to host a staff meeting so that way we could come up with ideas that might help turn the business around. Now the reason I was trying to host this staff meeting was the owner and manager (owner’s son) had no interest whatsoever in hosting a staff meeting; they simply didn’t want to pay for it. Fine.

At the end of the day I wasn’t sure if I should invite management, and then was advised by one of the assistant managers that it might mean more to the owner if it just came from staff. The staff initially sounded really stoked about the idea, but within a few days voices of decent arose; people were coming up with premptive excuses not to go, blah blah blah… So I called it off.

Well somehow the manager found out, and decided that I needed to be fired. Somebody squawked and he managed to find enough people to go along with him, ignoring other voices of decent. It happens.

So now I’m unemployed. I’m looking for work but of course the economy mostly dictates I’m not going to find it, or if I do it won’t likely have the hours I’ll need. So I’m relying mostly on my home business to see me through at this point. Not sure how that’s going to go, but there it is.

I’ve had to rely on faith a lot lately, which is a lot harder for me in desperate times than it is in good time oddly enough. It’s scary. I am scared. I don’t know what’s going to come of this, and I have no expectations. Just prayer. That’s all I have right now.

Of course, I know now that’s all I need. I was in Calgary the last few days and I got to see my sister, which was so great. On my way to her house I really screwed up my knee and it hurt like a son of a gun. I nearly fell two more times so I started praying that God would help me stay on my feet, and keep me safe. And God left me with a feeling of safety. There was this rush, an overwhelming feeling of safety, of something that was saying “I’m not going to let you fall. I will always be here. Wait on me.” and it was…. I needed it. I really needed it.

When I got home I was having trouble sleeping, as always, so I watched some TV and for the first time I really listened to that Honey Nut Cheerios commercial featuring “I Try” a Macy Grey cover by Ben Taylor. I downloaded the song and I’ve been listening to it almost non stop. I don’t know why, this has resonated with my relationship with God. I’ve felt closer, and it’s just reminded me more and more that God is by my side, and he has not, nor will he ever leave…

It feels good.

Anyway, not much else to say right now so I’m going to leave it as is.

I’ll catch you later.