I am Going Through a Crisis of Faith

June 10, 2009

Kind of straight to the point, eh?

It’s been hard the past few weeks. I’m tired, my sleep pattern has gone all to crap as I’m now awake all night and sleep most of the day. I’m angry, I’m stressed, and I honestly think God has taken to picking on me.

The crisis of faith thing is perhaps a bad way to put it. It’s not that I don’t believe He exists, it’s that I’m sick and tired of Him kicking me to the ground every time I think things are on an up turn.

So it’s not that I think he’s not there, I’m just angry at Him. And honestly, I think I have a right to feel angry at Him. Everything has just fucking spiraled on me and it’s done nothing but gotten worse. Now I could sit here and bitch to you guys about how hard my life is, but that’s not really going to help anyone and all you’re going to think is “God I wish he’d shut up.”

So instead, I’m just going to be angry.

Honestly, what is the point? If this is it, just constantly being thrown to the ground over and over and over again, then I don’t care any more.  Listen, I understand part of being in a communion with You is going through trials and tribulations but You need to ease the fuck off right now. You’ve been holding me under water for three weeks and it’d be great if I had a chance to catch my breath.

What did I do to piss You off man? I’m a good person, and that’s not being self righteous either! I do good things for people, I’m there for people, and it’s fucking horse shit that this is the repayment! I’m there for people and I’m willing to help in anything so I should just spend the rest of my life struggling!? Just treading water or drowning!? FUCK YOU!

I’ve been there nearly every time you’ve called, I’ve put my freaking LIFE on the line to save people. I work hard! I give it everything I’ve got! I’ve gone through hell for the past several months and now I’m drowning and I need You to get your foot off my neck. I get it, okay? I get that you’re God and I’m not and this is your deal but… if I mean anything to you, give me a hand.

Please!

Just… just five minutes even. If I can just have five minutes of not fighting for every inch that I get… that would mean the world to me. Just… five minutes.

You’ve always been there for me… always. I can… I can feel you in every ounce of who I am I just… I need you to help me okay? I need you to keep me from drowning because I am so far into it right now I can’t get out on my own. You put me here, so please help me get out. I know that sounds pretty bad after I swore at you and got mad at you but… you can’t do this to me… I just… Why? How does it help you to rub my face in it? To rub my face in the ground and just feel like garbage all the time? How?

I can’t believe how depressed and angry I am right now it’s just… unreal…..

Cripes I’m tired.

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2 Responses to “I am Going Through a Crisis of Faith”

  1. Magnus Says:

    Haha, straight to the point indeed. I sense that regardless of whether god exists or not, it is simply futile to believe that anything you do has anything to do with him. You have to empower yourself by ensuring that you are in charge of your own decisions and your own place in life. If there is something messed up in life that makes you miserable, then take control of it and diffuse it. And if that is not possible then just change your entire circumstance. Regardless, god can go fuck himself because the only one relevant in your condition is yourself. Strong determination is what helps you out of these bumps in the road.

  2. Annalise Says:

    So, how are you holding up? Anything getting better?

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