The Road Long and Winding

October 26, 2007

It’s been…. it’s been a month.

 I’ve moved back home, and those of you who know anything about me know that this is not something that has me extatic. I wanted to mend things with my family, but I was hoping desperately to avoid this particular measure. But things being as they were, it was either that or go homeless. Friends were all moving away, job security was reducing itself… things were going South. I couldn’t imagine the trouble I would have been in if I had lost my job and was still living on my own.

That having been said, I want to make it clear that I had no intention of using my family as a life boat… That there existed in me a glimmer of hope that I might be able to mend things with my family, and that there would be love there… We can’t always get what we want.

I’ll tell you what my biggest mistake was. Years ago, when I moved out, I thought for some reason by moving out I would get a different perspective on life, that I would attain some knowledge on how the world works and would be able to better understand the viewpoints of my parents. Moving out didn’t serve this… In fact it did just the opposite.

I’m pretty sure everyones’ parents at some point or another said something to the effect of “if things are so much better out there than here, just go!” The statement is meant to be ironic, things are supposed to be harder on the outside and you grow to appreciate home blah blah blah…. The outside world is generaly fair and just and I miss it more than I miss most anything.

Reading this now, I realize there’s almost no structure. I’m doing a bad job of conveying my problem. My problem is this: I do not believe that anyone, be they an elder, a brother, a sister, a friend, a stranger, a leader, or a parent has the right to be rude or disrespectful to someone and then demand respect in return. I don’t believe anyone should be allowed to point out the flaws and errors of others, without openning themselves to the same scruitiny.

This is not the view of my parents, most especially my Mother…. This does not suit me and it never will. I will raise my children differently, and I will not regreat the decission…..

<sigh> again I’m doing a bad job… Things aren’t lining up for me…. I think I write better when I’m experiencing an emotion… Right now, all feelings are kind of passive… Everything is in retrospect…. I have it all planned and the loss of my family will no longer bring sadness to me.

As soon as I am able I’m leaving them for forever… And this will be the wisest decission I will ever make.

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